I am confused as hell. Who's this Jihan dude that's mining all the bitcoins? Why do some people side with him, others with core, some want segwit, others want UASF, Hard Fork, Soft Fork, Metal Fork (don't forget to eat)! Then there's small blocks, big blocks, BEEP 148 and whatever else.

Anybody cares to ELI5 these and bring me up to speed on this whole fiasco? Who's with who and doing what and why? Ideally an impartial explatation (or partial, with as many swear words as possible, cause you know… for the lels)